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Questions for this column can be sent to: AWLegal@aol.com
Please mark the subject line TSP. All questions will be printed anonymously, as below.
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Q: I am a senior citizen who has been taking care of my eight-year-old granddaughter for the past three years because my daughter is not able to. When my grandchild misbehaves, and I complain to my daughter, she greatly resents my telling her and acts angry toward me. What can I do?
A: Obviously your daughter feels guilty for her inability to take care of her child, which is shown by her resentment of you. She considers that you are “rubbing it in.”
Are you?
Include her as much as possible in all aspects of raising the child. Ask her advice and help, in a positive manner, when you have problems with the child whom you both love. It sounds like you may not feel that your daughter can contribute positive suggestions to bringing up your granddaughter. Is this true? If so, your daughter's ego should be boosted, which will help your relationship with your daughter, and your granddaughter will be much happier.
Q: I have been divorced for three years and have custody of a boy, eight, and a girl, six. When my ex-husband has visitation with the kids, he pays far more attention to our son, almost ignoring my daughter. She comes home very sad, saying, “Daddy doesn’t love me.” It breaks my heart. How can I help her?
A: This behavior is not an uncommon occurrence. Perhaps Daddy doesn’t know how to relate to a young girl. Maybe he is not aware of her distress. Try to talk to him in a pleasant, non-accusatory manner, telling him how your daughter loves him and is hurt. Arrange for him to periodically visit with your daughter without her brother, on a one-on-one basis. Let him take her to a movie or for ice cream. He can also do that with your son, so your son doesn’t feel the girl is getting special treatment.
Talk with your daughter about her father's uneasiness in dealing with girls. Perhaps your daughter can suggest to you or directly to her father topics of conversation that she is interested in, which would help him feel more comfortable with her.
Q: My ex-husband is always changing the time he picks up the children on his visiting days, and many times brings them home late. He also says that when he has them on the weekends, if Monday is a holiday, he is entitled to keep them until Monday evening. What can I do?
A: After couples have been divorced, they often forget about consulting their divorce agreement and/or the court's Order, which are binding documents that usually spell out visiting arrangements or parenting time. These are very important guidelines, which discuss most controversial issues that may arise between a divorced husband and wife. You must study your agreement as though it were the Constitution, which it is to you, and quote its terms to your ex-spouse orally or, if he is obstinate, by certified letter with return receipt requested, telling him that if he does not comply you will take him to court…and win.
Q: We have been divorced for two years. My former wife has custody of our six-year-old son. I have parenting time with the child on Wednesday evenings for dinner and sleepovers with him every other weekend. Often on the weekends I take my son to see my parents. My ex and my parents have never gotten along. Lately, my ex has been expressing her animosity to me about my bringing my son to my parents’ house. Does she have the right to tell me not to visit my parents with my son?
A: Absolutely not, unless she can prove that it is not in the best interests of your son to see your parents, meaning that it would be detrimental to his physical and/or mental health to be with them. If your son enjoys his grandma and grandpa and has had, for his brief years, a warm and loving relationship, that's all the more reason for him to keep in close contact with them.
But when you have visitation, you can’t simply dump him with your parents and go off doing other things. Have you been doing that? You have to be there with him most of the time. Try first to explain this to your ex-wife orally or by e-mail in as pleasant yet firm a manner as possible and try to show how her action could harm your son because he needs as many loving people in his life as he can get. We believe that a court of competent jurisdiction would support your position.
 Allan and Iris Wolk are, respectively, a family law attorney and a social worker, who practice in their respective fields. They also work together as divorce mediators.
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